Saturday, October 25, 2008
My worry seems to be never ending. First was the success of NYCO concert, then was term 3 block test which was right after concert, followed on by the horrifying EOYs and the overall results.
Those days after exams, when I had to await for my results, was truly pschologically tormenting. After all, I've never been this worried over an exam in my entire life. I was so worried that I had panic attack almost everyday during the exam period. I'd have diarrhoea when it got worse. In other words, diarrhoea was like a frequent patron of mine during the exam period. Knowing that I have a high chance of being promoted, Im extremely happy. Just hope I didn't calculate my overall marks wrongly. :x However, I realised that my worry hasn't come to an end.
I realised my days are numbered. Guess what? I'm flying next next Saturday. Exactly two more weeks to go. I really cant afford to play anymore. I need to get into the right mental state. Frankly speaking, sometimes I do regret choosing Calcutta as my global classroom programme. Not because I dislike doing CIP, but Calcutta is one of the longest programme. Furthermore, it's so near competition. However, I really look forward to it whenever we have our Calcutta meetings, where we're briefed on the activities we're going to do. Sigh, Im in such a state of dilemma.
No matter how much I look forward to it, the anticipation still defeats my worry. During the EOYs period, I felt very detached from my erhu when I attempted to play it (perhaps it's due to the lack of prac?). It's like... I am myself while my erhu is just another object, we're not a single body. OMG, why am I explaining it in such a weird way. Haha well, in short, I've lost the ability to control my skills, e.g. the kind of sound that I want. Fortunately, I've recovered from that after exams. Then again, I'm afraid that I'll lose the feeling again after those 2 weeks. It's really scary cos I'll have to start all over again to search for the feeling, before I can go deeper.
This is really worrying when there is not much time left. It's even more worrying when you cant achieve what you want during practices now. Perhaps Im just not talented enough. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can see the panic attack approaching! I hate that feeling! So tormenting! ):
Now, Im feeling so uncertain that I cant put myself to say 'I can do it' optimistically. Argh, 死就死吧，就算死也要咬紧牙根走完这条路。 (oh, i suddenly thought of a chinese idiom) “柳暗花明又一村”，走完这条死路又是一条活路！HAHAHAHAHA! NOW IM TOTALLY AMUSED BY MYSELF! I bet my chinese teachers will kill me if they see how I twisted the idiom. HAHAHA! Alright, I'm gonna continue my journey on 死路. BYE.
6:55 PM
Till we meet again..
